You're still single?!?!

How to live single and content when the world shouts the opposite

From the moment we come out of the womb we are filled with subliminal messages; that life is not complete until you find a partner. So growing up all your efforts are putting yourself out there to hopefully find your other half and finally be complete! This unhealthy and toxic view on what fulfils us in life, leaves us constantly feeling like we have to strive to find someone if we're single. Which in turn, makes you feel like there is something wrong with you if you're not with someone, yet have tried and tried and not gotten anywhere.

I lived this life for 25 years, constantly feeling that I'm not complete and I'm missing out if I don't have a partner.

Living with this perspective leads you to always long for the future, like the future and marriage will fill that missing gap in your life. It's very hard to be present and enjoy life to the fullest when you believe there is something missing in your life and I won't be happy unless I get it.

What changed for me?

When I became a christian I began to slowly realise, through reading the bible and what other christians would say, that this notion about not being complete without a partner is actually the opposite to what God says. Here are some scriptures that helped me to understand my true worth... single or not;

Colossians 2:9-10 - For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body. So you also are complete through your union with Christ, who is the head over every ruler and authority

Genesis 1:27a - So God created man in his own image

Psalm 139:13-14 - For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well

Romans 5:8 - But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners

1 John 3:1a - See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!

I could go on! The vast amount of scripture that shows us how much God loves us just for being us and that speaks of our value, single or not, is overwhelming! It's incredible when you look into it and realise the God of the universe died for us, so we could have eternal life with him! We must have intrinsic value for God to do that for us right?!

So how do we live content lives when the whole world around you is screaming the opposite message??

One key is to fix our eyes on Jesus. We need to be filling our minds with the truth of our intrinsic value more than it's being filled with the things and opinions of this world. God also created us in His image; which is a communal God - God the father, the son and the Holy Spirit. He created us out of community for community! I believe this is crucial for a content life, especially when you're single. To be known by others and to know others is what God created us for.

Being single can be a lonely place sometimes; especially if you don't have some good close friends around you that you are able to go to with your life's joy and challenges.

If we look at Jesus, he had three people he chose to be closest to; John, James and Peter.

Jesus invited these three to many parts of his life that others weren't. He lived his three years of public ministry being known by these three disciples the most. Jesus was single his whole life. He was also content his whole life. So if we look at Jesus and how he lived His life, we can get some good ideas about the keys to life being single and content.

Jesus lived His life in community. He made Himself known, in varying degrees, to the people around Him.

Do you have close christian friends around you? Friends that you feel comfortable being yourself around? Friends that you can talk to about your struggles and not feel judged? Friends that you can have fun with? Friends that you can do life with? Friends that are with you in the mundane tasks that make up our lives?

My story...

I have been single most of my christian walk, which is 10 years now. I am 35 years old. I have been a part of two churches, which are vastly different in their outworking. In my first church, I was around some really good people. However, because the church was very legalistic and focussed heavily on behaviour modification rather than being transformed by the power of the Holy Spirit, the relationships I formed weren't able to grow in authenticity. When you are being judged by the behaviours you do and the things you say, anything that is deemed 'not christian' would be met with judgement and shame.

This is a huge barrier to truly knowing someone. If you can't be real with someone and don't feel safe enough to be vulnerable - the friendship can only go so far. God created us to have authentic connections with one another - if we don't seek authentic connections we will always be yearning for it. When I left that church and came to my second church (my current church), God really unpicked what it meant to connect with others. God really showed me what true grace was too! I hadn't been walking in Jesus's grace - strange I know! I had been a christian for 6 years and parts of Jesus's true character, mainly the depths of His grace and love, I was only now experiencing them - and they blew my mind. This was HUGE. A game changer. Knowing how Jesus wants us to walk in His grace really made it possible to have those authentic friendships. Friendships that are built on love. The friends I met from this new church really taught me what grace and love looks like in the everyday.

Me walking with Lizee's children in lockdown

You mean I can tell you I swore and you're not going to judge me? I can tell you that someone annoyed me and you're not going to tell me off?

GRACE.

My friendships are now built on vulnerability, authenticity and love. We laugh together, we cry together, we pray together. These true connections, the ones that we are built for, are what helps us to be content. I shared another post about my friend Lizee. I have never been so content than when our friendship grew and I became part of her family. Being known by the few, like Jesus, is what we are made for.

And lastly, but definitely the most important

Jesus knew that only one could fully satisfy Him - His Heavenly father. Jesus spent a lot of time with His three close friends. However, let's pay attention to who got the most of His attention - God. Jesus constantly goes off to pray. He constantly wants to be connected to His father in Heaven through prayer. Jesus built everything on this foundation! If we don't have a foundation that is in Jesus, authentic friendships will only get you so far. So let's not put friendships above God and try to get something from them that only God can give. Friendships are an amazing gift from God, and we are made for them - but if we make them the foundation that we build our life on and not Jesus, we are missing the invitation that God is giving us to be in close relationship with our creator. And that would be a big shame if we missed out on that!