Are We Following God or Church Culture?

Sometimes I see Christians become so focused on what something looks like that they miss what God is actually doing. Have we become good at recognising the outward signs of Christianity and stopped focussing on what actually matters… the heart?

Go to church, a bible study, serve on a sunday, sing worship songs, do the things Christians are ‘supposed’ to do. Now, I know none of those things are inherently bad, as actually, gathering with other believers, worshipping together, learning Scripture and serving others can be beautiful and important parts of following Jesus. 

But what happens when we start confusing the practices of Christianity with what God is really asking of us? What happens when church culture, wherever you live, becomes so familiar to us that we assume our way of doing things must automatically be God's way for everyone, no matter their circumstances?

When expectations become more important than empathy

I have a scenario for you, one that is personal to me:

I am currently going through a season where I’m unable to attend church on a Sunday. This isn’t because I don’t want to be there or because my heart for God has changed. Due to my Autism, my sensory sensitivities make it incredibly overwhelming. On top of that, I don’t currently have the energy to mask. Now you may say, don’t mask then. I have tried that and the comments and small looks I got made me feel uncomfortable unmasking. So to constantly manage how I appear, behave and interact to meet social expectations is exhausting: talking to people, making conversation, navigating a busy environment, responding in the ways people expect and simply being around lots of people. That might be effortless to someone else, however, it can take an enormous amount of energy for me and others. The noise can be overwhelming, the crowds too much, the lights, music, movement and unpredictability can make attending physically, mentally or emotionally difficult for people, including myself.

My inability to attend a service doesn't mean my heart for God has changed. It doesn't mean I don't value Christian community or I've stopped wanting to know God or be close to Him. It simply means that, in this season, I need to find different ways of connecting with God and with other believers, ways that work with my current capacity rather than against it.

When I mentioned this, the first thing someone said to me was… ‘But that's not what God wants.’ That sentence might sound spiritual. It might have even been said with good intentions.

But sometimes we need to stop and ask ourselves whether we are actually speaking for God or simply speaking from our own understanding of what Christianity is supposed to look like. 

What stood out to me the most wasn't the suggestion that I should be attending church, it was the way the comment completely dismissed what I was experiencing and gave way to completely missing the opportunity to love the person standing in front of them. I was sharing something vulnerable about my life, my capacity and how that affects being able to go to places like church. Instead of asking how I was, trying to understand, or acknowledging how difficult it must be for me, my struggles were reduced to a statement about what God supposedly wants from me and how I’m not doing the ‘right’ thing… that’s the saddest part.

We can become so focused on whether someone is following the expected rules, routines or traditions of ‘church’ that we completely overlook peoples heart, circumstances and pain. 

What would have made me feel closer, connected, valued and seen would have been if they asked: ‘How are you doing?’ ‘How can I/we support you?’ ‘Is there another way we can connect?’ ‘Would there be anything we could do that would make being part of the church community possible for you?’

Those questions would have made such a difference. Because they don't focus on what I'm currently unable to do. They show that the person isn't simply concerned about whether I'm attending church, but actually cares about how I'm doing, what I'm experiencing and how they can walk alongside me through it.

We can mistake church culture for God's Word

There is a difference between what Scripture teaches and what church culture has taught us. Those can overlap but they aren't always the same. Jesus didn't come to create a checklist of outward ‘good’ performances. He repeatedly challenged people who were obsessed with appearances while missing what matters… the condition of the heart. He cared about people and the person standing in front of Him. And perhaps that's something we sometimes forget. We can become so concerned or focused on is someone doing Christianity ‘correctly’, that we stop asking whether they are actually doing ok.

We can see someone missing church and think they need to come back. But perhaps the better first question to ask ourselves is: ‘What's happening in their life?’ Maybe they are struggling, exhausted, grieving, overwhelmed, disabled, dealing with circumstances we know nothing about. Maybe they are desperately seeking God, just not in the way we expect. And instead of meeting them with compassion, we can accidentally place another burden on their shoulders by saying comments like ‘but that's not what God wants.’

God wants our hearts, not our performance

I know God isn’t impressed when we manage to perform Christianity in the culturally approved way. People can attend every service and still be completely disconnected from God. We can sit in the right building, sing the right songs and say the right things while our hearts are somewhere else and don't match what is coming out of our mouths or behaviours. 

On the other hand, someone can not look like the stereotypical "good Christian" (I hate this term) and yet be pursuing God with everything they have. 

The deeper questions we should ask ourselves and about others are: Where is your/their heart? Are you/they seeking God? Are you/they loving Him? Are you/they allowing Him to transform you/them? Are you/they staying connected to other believers in whatever ways are currently possible? Those things matter.

Your Capacity Isn't Your Faith

There is another distinction thats needed to be considered: someone's ability to connect with God can change without their heart for God changing. A person may be mentally unwell, overwhelmed, exhausted, burned out, grieving or simply going through a season where the things they once did to connect with God doesn't work in the same way anymore.

A person who can't pray may still be longing for God. A person who can't read Scripture can still be holding onto faith. A person who can't attend church can still want to belong. A person who doesn't feel God's presence may still have a heart that is saying, ‘God, I don't understand this, but I still want You.’ And maybe this is something we need to remember when we look at people's faith from the outside.

We cannot measure someone's heart by their current capacity.

Things may have changed, their circumstances may look different and the way they connect with God may have changed. But none of these things automatically mean that someone's heart has turned away from God or that they are any less committed to following Jesus.

Fellowship doesn't have only one shape

One of the problems with assuming that church attendance is the only or most meaningful form of Christian community is that we create a narrow definition of fellowship. We need to broaden our minds and expand what this may look like for different people.

Think about the person who can't cope with a large Sunday gathering but can meet someone for coffee. Someone that can watch a service from home and then discuss it with a friend? Someone that can go to a quiet small group or bible study, have a phone call, have a one to one friendship, be in a prayer group or go on a walk with another Christian.

Have we made these less meaningful because they don't happen inside a church building? 

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when we should encourage one another to gather as community matters. Isolation isn't something God wants. However, encouragement is not the same thing as condemnation. There is a huge difference between saying, ‘We miss you. How can we help you find a way to stay connected?’ then saying, ‘You're not doing what God wants.’ One builds a bridge and the other can make someone feel like they have failed God and done something wrong because their circumstances don't allow them to attend church on a Sunday.

We need to be careful when we say, "God wants..."

One of the most dangerous habits Christians can develop is attaching personal expectations and culture to believing that is God's Will. ‘God wants you to do this.’ ‘God doesn't want you doing that.’ ‘God wants you in church.’ Sometimes these statements may contain truth. However, what we're really saying is: ‘I believe this is what a Christian should be doing.’ Those are not necessarily the same thing and there is humility in recognising the difference.

When saying these things we can unintentionally put people in a position where they feel they have to choose between their actual limitations and what they are being told God expects from them. And that's a damaging burden to put on someone.

Sometimes the most faithful thing someone can do is not forcing themselves into an environment they cannot manage. Faithfulness can look like recognising your limitations, asking for help and finding another way to remain connected.

The goal is Jesus, not the appearance of Christianity

Church is important, Christian community is important and gathering together is important. But we must be careful not to elevate these practices above people Jesus wants us to love and support.

If our understanding of church causes us to lose compassion and empathy, perhaps we need to examine our understanding of church.

If we stop making room for people who experience the world differently, we need to ask ourselves why and whether we're protecting a tradition or ‘what we are supposed to do’ rather than reflecting Jesus. And if someone is struggling to attend, perhaps our first response shouldn't be correction. It should be love. Ask how they're doing, listen to them and make room for them. Think about other ways to stay connected. Don't make someone feel like they have to prove their faith by forcing themselves into a particular mould. Christianity was never supposed to be about looking like everyone else. It's about following Jesus. And for many people, following Jesus in one season looks very different from following Him in another.